Satisfaction
by StayGold1995
Summary: Dallas Winston was depressed and had been for as long as he could remember, not that he let it show. He'd spend his days doing every reckless thing he could just to get his satisfaction. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders. All characters belong to S.E Hinton.**

Everyone thinks that being Dallas Winston is great. Dallas Winston: the tough guy who lives life as a greaser like it's a breeze. Dallas Winston, the hood that has no fear, no emotions, no feelings. The kid that's so tough that nothing can touch him and nothing can ever hurt him. The greaser that you should always avoid on the streets. I know exactly what people think of me. Well, they're wrong. Life isn't easy for me. It's far from it. I hate being a greaser and I hate livin' around here. I have feelings, I just don't show them. I am more emotional than most of the guys I know, but I hide it behind a tough face so nobody has to know how weak I really am and how lousy my life really is. I'm not as tough or strong as they think I am. I just have to act it.

Everyday gets harder as I struggle to get myself from my bed, knowin' that the day ahead of me is full of me havin' to live up to peoples expectations. I'm seen as this scary, tough hood, and that's not me. I can be scary when I want to and I can be tough when I want to, but it's not the real me.

I regret makin' my life bad. I wish I didn't start gettin' involved in crimes when I was just a kid. I regret it more and more with every breath I take. If I knew that this is what my life would be like now then I wouldn't have ever started it. I would've stayed at school and been a good kid. If I tried I could've even been like Ponyboy. I understand why Darry's always yellin' at him and worryin' about him, I feel the same about it, I just don't show it. Pony's the kid who still has a chance. He can do something good with his life. I don't ever wanna see him turn out like me.

At first I thought it was cool, breaking laws and stuff, like it was a good way to make friends. Man, was I wrong. Sure there are some people that like more for it, and some that even look up to me for what I do. I wouldn't call them friends though. In the end, I ended up pushin' away the people I cared most about. Now even my own old man doesn't even give a damn about me.

_Dallas Winston caring about people?_

Yeah, I bet that's what you're thinkin'. But, yeah, I do care about people. I only don't show it because of this reputation I have.

Now all I have left is the gang. Not that any of them dig me too much. They act scared of me more than anything and it kills me to know that that's the way it is.

All I want it friends who I can have a good time with. Friends who don't think I'm a hood, or just out to cause trouble. Friends who aren't secretly judging me. But I know that's not going to happen. Not when I have to act this way all the time, anyway.

I used to think that the gang wouldn't do that, now I'm not so sure. I see the way Darry acts when I'm around his brothers, like his watching me, waiting to pounce as soon as I do somethin' wrong. I see the way Pony looks at me with fear in his eyes, the way he does everythin' that I saw. It's the same with everyone else' they never even chat back to me and I wish they would. I just need someone to tell me '_no_'.

I used to think that they all actually liked be, but now I just think it's fear and I'm beginning to doubt everythin'.

The only person I have now is Johnny and I suppose he's the only reason I'm alive if I think about it. I know what it'd do to him if I died and I can't be the one to make him feel that way, to be the cause of his pain. I'd rather have me hurtin' than him, any day of the week. I'll put up with my pain for as long as I have to as long as Johnny stays happy.

Instead, I just go out and purposely get into fights, just so I know that I can still feel pain and I'm not so tough that I can't feel it anymore.  
That's something I never want. I never wanna be so tough that I'm unaware of what's going on around me and immune to pain. I know it will happen soon though if I carry on livin' this way.

I cut myself to ease the pain, watch as the blood pours out, until I have my satisfaction, just so I can ease the pain that I have to hide from everyone every day of my life.

I get so drunk that I pass out because that's the only way I can get to sleep and escape all of my thoughts. When I sleep I can pretend I'm someone else and I don't have to live this lousy life full of hurt.

If Johnny knew about it, I'm sure he'd hate me just as much as I hate myself, and that's exactly why I can't ever tell him. I can't lose him, not ever.

**A/N: If you've read this then thank you :) Please review and tell me what you think and how you think I'm doing/can improve.**

**Hope you enjoy :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders, all characters belong to S.E Hinton.**

**I forgot to mention in the first one, that everything between Johnny & Pony going to the church and stuff didn't happen in this one. One thing that did still happen was Johnny got jumped by the soc with the rings.**

* * *

"Hey grease," I heard a voice sneer from behind me.

I turned around and saw exactly what I expected. A broad shouldered soc stumbled towards me, stinking of a mix between cologne and whiskey. He was just as drunk as I was; just the way I like my fights.

"What are you doin' around here, asshole?" I said as I sized him up. I can take him easily, I thought. 'Course I'd let him get a few punches in, because that's what brings me back to reality each day, but I'd be able to beat him easily and be able to feel victory and pride, even if it is just for a little while.

"I go where ever the fuck I want," he growled as he stepped towards me.

"Yeah?" I paused, raising my eyebrows, "Well, ya' might wanna rethink that next time," I smirked as I punched him in the face, knocking him down straight away. I dived onto him, pinning him down before he had a chance to get him. I pulled my arm back and punched him again, letting out a low laugh as I watched one of his teeth fly onto the ground by us.

"Boy, oh boy, are you gonna get what you deserve now, hood."

He flipped me round so fast I felt my head spinning. Next thing I knew I was laying on the floor as he punched me, over and over again.

He punched me in the nose. I felt the pain shoot through my face, the exact kind of pain I was waiting for; the pain that I had grown to love feeling so much. I felt the bruises forming on my face and felt the blood drip down from my nose. The pain was like venom, and I loved it.

That's what it took for me to regain my strength. I grabbed his arm as he went in for another punch and pushed it back. He cursed under his breath as I saw the pain burning behind his eyes.

Ha, that's exactly what he deserves!

I punched him as hard as I could again quickly before he found another chance to lay one on me. He swayed slightly then fell backwards.

I kneeled over him to see that he was still conscious, but not by much.

"You dirty bastard," he growled as he tried to sit up again. Before he could I punched him again. This time he fell fully unconscious.

I stood up and kicked him and spat on him once before walking off.

* * *

Man, that was great. I love the buzz after having a fight. The pain never used to bother me too much, not that I _liked_ it, not how I do now.

I walked through the lot on my way to the Curtis house.

As I walked through I saw a small figure in the distance. I sped up and walked towards them, "Hey, Johnny," I said as I slapped him on the shoulder as I got to him. Not in a harsh way – I wouldn't do that to Johnny – Johnny's my buddy. "You alright, man?"

"Hey, Dal. What happened to your face?" he asked.

"Just another fight with a soc. Nothing weird there, right?" I said with a laugh like it didn't bother me. It really did bother me, but at the same time it didn't.

It bothered me because I knew that it was my way to know that I still felt pain, and I hated that; but it didn't bother me because it's what I want. I like the fights and I like the pain. I always find my victory in the end, anyway.

"Looks pretty bad," Johnny screwed up his nose.

He didn't like me fighting so much; I think it worries him.

"Na, he's worse. Ya shoulda seen him," I chuckled, "But when you're tough like me, ya can't get hurt."

We got to the Curtis house and the whole gang was there. They all asked what happened and I told everyone the story. Each time I told it I felt good. It made me feel good about myself. I don't know why, it's just a fight, but it made me feel proud. It was good knowing that they looked up to me for being tough in ways. That made me feel good, too. I just don't like it when they get scared of me.

"Why are ya fightin' so much lately, Dal? You know it does no good," Ponyboy rolled his eyes at me after I told my story and then went back to his book.

"Shut up, kid. You don't know _nothin_'," I spat.

Truth was, he did. He knew a hell of a lot. More than I gave him credit for; not that I was gonna admit that though. If I was smart, I probably would've listened to him more and actually gone by what he says; but I don't listen to anybody, I just do what I want. I don't know why. I just do. I guess I just don't give a damn about what happens to me.

"Hey, Two-Bit. Ya goin' Bucks tonight?"

I don't know why I bother asking him that sometimes. 99% of the time the answer is yes. He just likes to get drunk as a skunk and find some cute blondes.

"Yeah, you know it," he said as he drunk a beer and looked at himself in the mirror.

Man, was he proud of his hair. It's like that with most of us greasers. It's one of the only things we have to be proud of.

* * *

I drove me, Two-Bit and Steve to Bucks. Usually I'm a real reckless driver and I don't care how fast I go or how dangerous it is, but when I'm driving with other people in the car I have to cool it off a bit; just because I don't care what happens to me, doesn't mean I shouldn't care about them.

It's days like these that I feel okay; the days when I go out with some of the gang. Even if they are just pretending to like me while secretly being scared of me, at least it makes me feel like they actually like me and I have some real buddies for a little while.

I always feel better on days like this because my mind is always on other things. I can just take my mind off of life and just relax with a drink. Even if I can't get my mind off of stuff, drinking always helps.

"Jeez, Dal. If you look real bad, then I wonder how bad that soc must be." Steve laugh.

"Yeah, he must be unrecognisable with a complete face rearrangement," Two-Bit howled laughing at himself, "Man, I can't wait till you get your hands on that bastard with the rings that hurt Johnnycakes,"

"Man," I sighed, "neither can I."

I started to shake and burn up and my body filled with anger. I really can't wait to kill the guy that hurt Johnny. Just need to find the right time and place. Nobody can hurt Johnny and get away with it.

Luckily, we were soon at Bucks. All the tension dropped out of my shoulder as we walked in.

The place was full of people drinking, smoking and partying.

I started drinking some beers until I felt kinda drunk, then I got the strongest drink I could as I watched all the broads around me. Tonight I planned to get so wasted and do something completely reckless, so I can feel completely numb and emotionless and not have to remember _a single thing_ in the morning.

**A/N: If you've read this, then thank you! **

**Please review and tell me what you think. **

**Does anybody have tips on how I can improve or any ideas for the story? Let me know if you do, ideas are always welcome **

**Thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders or the characters, it all belongs to S.E. Hinton :)**

**A/N: I'm sorry this chapter isn't really good or long, but I've had so much school work to do. I've had to stay extra hours every day and then come home and carry on working. One day I even stayed 9 hours and school is only 6.**

* * *

I woke up feelin' numb and I couldn't remember a thing from the night before. I tried to move, but all of my limbs were a dead weight which them down. Aches shot through me each time I tried to move.

_Shit. What happened last night? _  
But I couldn't remember a thing.

My skin felt tight, like they were covered in dried paint. It was so tight that I couldn't even move my fingers.  
A metallic kind of smell was overpowerin' the room. I recognised the smell but I couldn't work out what it was.  
_Gross._

Everythin' was a blur and I couldn't recognise where I was. I tried to open my eyes wider in hope that it would help me see more clearly.  
_No success._  
All I could see when I looked at my arm was red. Red was covering everything.

Everythin' was a haze and I still felt out of it; it wasn't that I was still drunk, I just couldn't move and I couldn't see.

I closed my eyes and decided to sleep until I felt better.

* * *

_I'm floating._

Suddenly a bright light was shining in my face and everything around me was gold and white. It was like a magic place that made me feel like a little kid again.

I was surrounding by big white balls of fluff.

_Clouds? Why are there clouds? Where the hell am I?_

"Come on, Dally," A sweet voice I thought I recognised whispered, "Come on."

_Angels? Why are there angels?_

That's when I realised where I was. It had finally happened. I was finally dead.

I don't know why or how it happened. All I knew was it was finally here.

I carried on floating and it felt like my head was spinning. I felt light and it all felt like magic.

_Heaven? Am I in heaven?_

I couldn't stop wondering why I was here. How did I die? Did anybody know? How was I in heaven? Unless this was some kind of after life, it couldn't be right. I carried on with it anyway though. It was the first time I'd been relaxed for a long time. I let myself relax as I carried on floating away. I might as well make the most of it while it lasts.

I thought about Johnny and how he was going to react when he found out. Johnny was the only person who I_ really_ cared about. Sweet, shy Johnny. I'd never really said it before, but I suppose you could say he was my best friend. He always looked up to me for some reason and I never could work out why.

I suppose he looked up to me like I was a dad or big brother. He thought I was tough and invincible. I acted it, but I wasn't really.

I started feeling guilty. I had basically lied to Johnny all the time. I was never honest with him. I acted like someone I wasn't in front of him and everyone all the time. Now I have no time to change that because I'm dead. The closest person he had to a father figure or a big brother is gone.

I worried about how he'd be when he heard the news and I hoped that he'd be okay. I hope he learns from this; learns to never be like me. When you act like me, everything goes wrong in the end. I will find a way to let him know. I will find a way to show him. I'll show him that he can be a good kid like Ponyboy. He doesn't have to be like me.

Apart from worrying about Johnny, I felt happy being dead. It was what I'd been waiting for as long as I could remember. Finally I was at peace.

I continued to float around listening to the noises around me. My body was a dead weight and asleep, but my mind was still racing and listening to everything that was going on around me.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"Come on, Dally. Come on." The voice whispered. I guessed somebody was waiting for me in the afterlife.

I knew that something still wasn't right because there's no way I could be in heaven. Not with the reputation that I had. I can't even remember the last time I did something good. I knew that there was somethin still to come because with me, there is always calm before the storm.

Suddenly I fell in the air then stopped. I kept jolting down and I had no idea why.

I tried to stop it from happenin' but nothing would work. It's like the sky went down forever and ever and I'd never get anywhere.

The wind starting blowing and flashes of light shot through the clouds.

I broke out into a cold sweat as I felt a pressure take over my body.

_Shit. What's happenin'?_

I felt a push down on my chest and then I was suddenly shocked. It felt like a million lightening bolts shot through my body. I tried to scream out in agony but my voice wouldn't let me.

My movement became easier but my head started throbbing.

_What is this? Why can't anything ever just be nice for me? I knew somethin' bad was comin'._

All I wanted to do was shout or cry but I couldn't do anything. Not that Dallas Winston would ever be seen crying anyway.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Another shock rushed through my body and my back arched.

It's like I was screaming and nobody could even hear me.

I closed my eyes.

_This is it, I know it. Now all the bad stuff begins. I wish I could just be dead. Properly dead. Just rotting under the ground like worm food._

My eye twitched as I tried opening in to see if I was in hell yet.

The room was bright. It wasn't hell. People in white cloaks stood around me, but they didn't notice me looking at them.

My eyes fell, closing themselves again. I strained as I hard as I could to open them and keep them open.

I was lying down, still in the bright white room. The people in white cloaks were still there, but this time they were looking at me. I had tubes coming out of me and most of my body was bandaged. There was a heart monitor machine next to me beeping quietly.

"Wha…" I tried to speak, but I wasn't strong enough to.

Everything was still a blur. New bodies appeared around me but I couldn't take in the faces.

"Dally?" the voice I recognised whispered, "Dal. Oh, man, Dal. Can you hear me?"

I turned my head slightly to the left and there was Johnny sitting on a chair next to me.

"Thank God you're alive," he said. He was as pale as a ghost and he was shaking. His eyes were glazed over but he still looked so happy to see me.

"Ain't I dead?" I managed to whisper.

"Nearly. That was a close one, buddy. Don't ever do somethin' like that again." I turned my head to the other side to see Darry standing there with Soda, Pony, Steve and Two-Bit around him.

"What happened?" I croaked.

"It don't matter now. We'll tell ya when you're better." Soda half-smiled at me.

"Why are ya'll here?" I asked.

"Well, one of ya family nearly dies, you're gonna visit them ain't ya?" Two-Bit grinned.

"We care a lot about ya, Dal. You scared us half to death." Johnny croaked.

"Come 'ere," I grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards me. He hugged me and I put my better arm around him.

The rest of the gang all smiled at us.

They all cared about me, that's all I needed.

* * *

**A/N: Please review. I hope you like it :)**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I know you're not supposed to do this but I felt really bad because I haven't updated in a long time. So yeah, sorry about that. I've been really busy with school, exams and prom. It's summer now though, so I'll be updating more. I'll have a new chapter soon. Sorry for the wait


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